My son had and accident a couple of weeks ago. He – somehow I am not willing to discuss in this forum – suffered a fall and injured his leg, his elbow, and his neck. I had to take him to an orthopedist who checked him and ordered some X rays to make sure nothing was wrong with him.
The doctor was super sweet when talking to my son –I later found out he is a father of an 8 year-old girl and a 1 year-old baby – and I was also pleasantly surprised to see how sweet and understanding everyone at the hospital was. For example, the nurse in charge of the wheelchair – because you know once inside de hospital you must follow procedures, and even if the child can walk on his own, a nurse has to take him everywhere just to make sure – told me he was also a father of four, so I could see how understanding his behavior was, how nice they all were when explaining to my child what had to be done.
When the time came to for the X rays, my son had to be alone inside the room with the doctor, and my daughter, the nurse and I waited outside, so the casual chit chat came up, of course. We talked a little bit about his shift and how busy it was, and I mentioned at least in the case of my child it had been an easy task to come and go, since he only weighs 15 kilograms. It is of course way harder to mobilize a patient when they are heavier or have physical issues. I laughed and remembered when I had my knee surgery, back in 2018, how I apologized to every nurse in the hospital whenever they had to move me. I remember how heavy I was back then, and when they had to move me from the gurney to the bed or vice versa I apologized to them and promised to myself “I won’t be this heavy again next time they operate on me for any reason.” I was 108 kilograms back then, and that promise was worth very little, because I had a C-section in 2019 weighing 113 kilograms, and my gastric surgery in 2022 at 100 kilograms.
The nurse looked at me and asked “Why did you apologize? You are so small and thin…” and I swear I almost teared up right there. This guy had never seen me before, so he knows nothing about my life-long battle to control my weight, but his first impression of me was “small and thin.” And I realized that’s how new people see me now. That’s my new identity. And it hadn’t clicked in my own appreciation of myself. I still see myself as this fat person, always in the process of controlling her own weight, discovering she fits into new sizes, being checked at by men, complimented by women, but still fat. And that comment made me look at myself under a whole new light. The eyes of a stranger were necessary for a new perspective.
A couple of days later I had breakfast with some ladies from my kids’ school, and one of them told me I was inspirational and someone worth of admiration, and it all finally sank in. I really felt empowered and valuable. As many people close to me had always told me I was, but I had trouble believing it because self-esteem is a delicate issue and sometimes the opinion of one person can overshadow the voices of dozens, depending on how much weight you place on each of them. All of the ‘other’ voices finally resonated loud and firm in me. Those were the voices I was always supposed to listen to, but that I had ignored for too long – the voices of those who see me like a role model and like someone worthy. And now I can thank you all for believing in me, even when I was too anxious and depressed to believe in myself. Thank you. Thank you very much. And I swear I write this with tears in my eyes and a heart full of emotions. Happy emotions, anyway.
Well, my bariatric surgeon has said I am ready to go. I can now consult plastic surgeons and my plan is to go and visit a couple of them in order to schedule my surgery as soon as possible – meaning I want to have it by the latest in January 2024. According to his estimations, about 5 to 6 kilograms of extra skin will be removed from my body, and if I can manage to have some fat removed from my body – considering surgeons can only remove a maximum amount of 6 kilograms of fat without putting my health at risk – I could be losing between 10 and 12 kilograms of weight after the surgery, leaving me at my goal weight in the end. This, of course, is pure speculation at this point. I was honestly hoping to have my divorce signed and resolved by the latest during this last week of September to proceed, but since said process didn’t move along for whichever reason I don’t want to explore right here, I need to consider delaying my surgery a couple of months, which is fine by me… that will only give me the chance to lose another kilo or two as I prepare for said procedure.
We all need to live our processes and close our cycles, and while our reasons might not be satisfactory or understandable to others, as long as our own processes do not affect those of others, I believe they must be completed if that’s what brings us peace of mind.
And here I am, as I said since I first had my bariatric surgery, each day feeling more like a real person, like Pinocchio, becoming more comfortable in my own skin – which I hope pretty soon will be much less skin, he he he. I’ll let you know how things move along, how my appointments with the plastic surgeons turn out and whenever the date for my surgery is settled. You guys, wish me lots of luck as you have always done. As you have always expressed when telling me how much you love me and how worthy I am of your love. Really, thank you all so very much. I said it before, and I’ll say it again – I am one lucky bitch to have you around. I really am.
